For the first time in several weeks pain woke me. Stabbed me through L3, L4, L5, like hot lava it sprayed down through my left psoas, crossed back into my right iliosacral joint and burnt a path through the back of my thigh, my calf and the base of my foot….as I woke a tear leaked down my cheek…I bit my lip and breathed….I’ve got this….next to my bed is a box of tablets and a pen. With another breath I reached for the pen. Pen first, drugs later…if at all…..if at all…..(as I’ve now taken them it seems ironic that I thought that but I did! and I’m pleased I did!)
This blog is some of what came out of that pen this morning in the small hours, in my half-dark room, after pages of gibberish, I found a point. A thought which lifted me up and I held on to. I don’t normally even let myself re-read journalling but today I thought it important to remember it and share it, because if I do that I might start to actually believe it.
The bottom line is this; I try exceptionally hard to please people. I try so hard that I make myself sick. People say to me ‘you’re so good at staying in touch, you’re so good at ‘being-friends’. The truth is I’m not. I’m just trying to please you.
I find saying NO incredibly hard. So I say yes. Yes I can come and visit you, yes I’ll come and stay and fly round the world to see you, yes bring your children, yes I’ll send you presents, yes I know it’s your birthday, yes I’ll organise an event for you, yes I’ll look after your children, yes I’ll cook, yes I want to come with you, yes I’m free, yes talk to me, yes it’s no problem, yes I’ll walk there, yes yes yes and then before I know it there was so many YESs that I forget to please-look-after-myself a bit and then here I am flat on my back, again, balancing a keyboard above me…..and cancelling things I originally said yes to and feeling guilty and round it goes…. It’s not that I don’t want you to ask, I do. I just need to learn that saying NO doesn’t mean I’ll ruin a friendship. No does not wreck anything worth having. Saying No is OK. Thinking of myself is OK. Doing nothing extra is OK. Silence is OK.
I am trying to make you feel special, loved and cared for because that is how I want to feel. Ultimately I am trying to show the world that I am worthy of peoples friendship. Trying so hard is exhausting, shattering, particularly when my efforts appear to fall on deaf ears. When that happens, instead of letting go, I try harder. It’s a red-rag to a bull. I think I haven’t done enough. I never think -maybe they don’t need that, want that or maybe they are busy! (wow how Narcissistic is that?!) I always think; I just must do more.
I am trying so very hard to show you that I am good enough to be a friend, that I am cool enough, fun enough, witty enough, pretty enough, intelligent enough, brave enough, mature enough, interesting enough, silly enough, caring enough, glittering enough, generous enough…simply that I am enough.
That’s it then. My work for the week. To simply really start to believe that in every moment I am enough. Right now lying here in a stained dressing gown, unwashed hair, taking this time to talk about myself. I am enough. I do not need to do anything else. I choose love. I am enough right now.