Dear People having-a-shit-time-this-Christmas

Dear People having-a-shit-time-this-Christmas, more specifically Parents, – this is for you!

(I’m tempted to call you Monarchs with a nod to my current blog heroine Constance Hall but it seems contrived. I am not her. But please feel free to don your crowns!)

At this time of year passing windows full of Christmas trees and glittery fairy lights, twinkling out from cosy-2.4-kids-healthy-happy-couples firesides, it’s easy to think you are alone. Trust me. You are not. Those twinkling lights are lying.

This is a note for you. For families like yours, like mine. For those who have lost. For those who are losing ones they love. For those who hadn’t realised how perfect their lives were until that diagnosis, that accident, that moment. For those who have had to say goodbye too soon. I want to say to you;

It is OK to not be OK. Especially now. When The Perfect Family are twinkling away next door.

It is OK to want to run away and never come back.

It is OK to not see your babies as continual-magical-joy-giving-creations

It is even OK to resent them their innocence. It might be taboo. But I swear it is OK.

It is OK because you are not alone in feeling this. Many, or even most parents I reckon feel this, if they don’t then life just hasn’t yet handed them the shit-chips that bring it on. Go them. But they will. We all will. It is normal.

What is abnormal, what is extraordinary is you! When facing this life-altering shit;

You, you glorious being, choosing not to walk out of that door.

You, finding just one reason to kiss your childs head.

You curling your lip to smile, however fleetingly at an innocent gurgle.

That is the real Christmas magic. YOU.

Doing all of that. You. Magic as fuck.

So from one Mama with a heavy heart and tear-stained face to another, I want to say to you. I see you. I hear you. I am here with you. And this Christmas all I hope is that whatever unfolds, you know, somewhere, deep down, that you are loved. Always and forever loved.

hope

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Fresh Festive Agony

Oh the irony of saying I ‘wouldn’t have time to write’ in my last post……in that sentence I encapsulated my own doom…….. PAIN. It started at the end of THE LUNCH, pricking my eyes and stabbing into my skull, burning honey trickling into my brain and a claw grabbing at my spine in a iron-clasp. Then, coursing through my legs came the Sciatica. Such a lovely sounding word, like a whisper, sigh-ahhh-ti-caaa, like the wind, like breath, such a ridiculous word for sheer agony. Constant and persistent, penetrating my soul till the pain is joined by panic and its buddies hyperventilation, tingling and blindness. Consuming and terrifying.

and I try…try not to be afraid of the pain. Try not to run from it, try to look through it to the FEELINGS causing it. Try to breath and look through it. Remember I have been here before, I healed myself before. Swear. FUCK. It hurts. My body hurts, my mind reels and tears stream down my face. Good, Let them come. I thought I was ‘dealing with this’ but not well enough it seems. Pain is exhausting, my eyes are half closed as I type. Squinting.

happening

I slipped into my room to lie on the floor, to breath. I grabbed a pen and paper, with my eyes shut, I dragged myself as upright as I could, clinging to our bed I spewed out words onto paper trying to settle my mind. The head pains stopped but the spinal-stabbing continued and I had to leave the room…. but the head pains stopped. They stopped. I did it, in part they stopped.

you

It’s later, my body remembers this pain it’s all too familiar. This time I go through it, grasping my husbands hand, I try to see his eyes. They are red with concern, as a spasm locks me hunched over. My nails dig into his sweaty palm. I am angry. I am furious. I choke out all the frustration and fear till the panic subsides, and the pain retreats, white heat turning to a red glow. Hugging my spine, it sits there and I lie back. Exhausted.

You see. I love Christmas. I always have. I love most being with my family, sharing food and love and just being together. Lighting fires and keeping warm, laughing and making merry whatever the weather. As the family grows each Christmas becomes more special to me, our memory-making time more precious. I show love by giving, my time and energy to welcoming everyone. I so very much want to make everyone happy. So I don’t meditate and I don’t practice yoga, I make lists of things I HAVE to do and I say I wont have time to write…and with that I sowed the seeds of my current pain.

ppl

And then the guilt comes as I know the best gift that I could give is simply to be well and it seems I’ve failed even at that. This blog is garbled and jumbled – just like my neural pathways – and I choose instead to acknowledge the path behind me. To see how far I’ve come, to see this as another learning opportunity. To move forward with positivity. To choose gratitude and to choose love. I know I can leave this dark place, because I’ve done it before. It’s no longer a prison for me, just a waiting room. Every time I visit it now, my visit gets shorter.

7

I wish you all pain-free festive times. Choose Love.

 

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Happy Yuletide!

As I probably won’t get a chance to write much over the next few days I’d like to wish everyone who has been reading my blog the best of best festive times in the coming days! Thank you for reading, commenting and encouraging. Your support has helped me so much, words fail, on the darkest days, writing has helped me to find the light. Knowing you are reading has lifted my soul. Thank you. From my nose to my toes! Thank you all.

Enjoy your festivities! One Love.

Christmas

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