Hard to start writing today……………….at least here….in this ‘real-writing’ place. Another label looms. Another word.
I know you. We’ve met before.
You are the space between the words, you are the unsent emails, texts and letters
You jump into my eyes and through my nose, clawing your way down my throat and over my heart.
You leap out of love filled messages, invitations, inclusions, p.l.a.n.s,
You are in email threads full of happiness and excitement
You stalk through crowded rooms and slap me in the face, so hard my nose bleeds
You stroke my hair as I sit on this sofa now. You whisper; Alone. Safe. Alone. Safe…… Alone is safe.
You make me sick. You sink my feet into concrete shoes and pour boiling oil down my spine.
You prickle the back of my eyes till they water. You spin ice cubes in a glass. You twirl my hair and play with a silent phone just to ‘look-busy’.
You keep me in the same place. You suffocate me and spin me out till all I see is black.
You whisper that you are my friend, that I deserve this, that it’s better, that there’s no point that I’m not-one-of-them,
you’re wrong you’re wrong I am I know I am……….aren’t I…..where have I gone?
You snake an arm around my shoulders and the world zones out, hard lines blurr and I can’t hear what you’re saying
Frustration and Anger pale into insignificance compared to the rage I feel when I see you.
I’ve beaten you before, so I don’t know why you’re back now.
I know you’re just anxiety. I know you’re just fear of fear. But still you are here. I know it. So why don’t you leave me alone?
You’re in every invite, every party, every event. Not in my house, not with my family. You’re slimy claws haven’t scraped in there just yet.
But everywhere else, on the bus, in a shop, at meals and friends houses you churn up my stomach and make my heart ache.
I know I’ve lost you before. I can loose you again. I can and I am.
Exposing you is a start.
Today I’ll hold on to that and let go of you.