A Healing Breakthrough

This morning I have had a MAJOR self-healing BREAKTHROUGH. I think it is the first time I have successfully stopped my pain in its progressive tracks, single-handed, without drugs, without help, on my own, by myself I have DONE IT. I don’t know whether to cry or laugh or both, my mind is SO HAPPY I am typing so fast I want to get this amazingness out there into the ether, especially to those I love. Today I’ve learnt, whatever it is, YOU CAN DO IT. Don’t give up. Don’t give in.


…and breath and back up…

recognise that these massive highs and massive lows characterise my journey so…. Following yesterday’s rain dance, this morning dawned and I was feeling pretty damn perky, tea was avialable, sun shone birds even sang, I’ve got a meeting about building a giant Troll later (as you do) and my world was great! That was until I started ‘work’ – consisting of a Spanish-Level-test and vounteer application…….after about 30minutes I noticed the now familiar ache of my back pain creeping in, my legs started tingling, my left side was going numb, the pain hiked up a notch or two…..drugs I thought….I stood up to look for them and then a miraculous thing happened……..instead of reaching for the pills I reached for my pen and notebook. I took these tools to my bedroom, lay down and Conscious Stream Journaled.


Conscious Stream journaling is a method of writing I learnt on the SIRPA programme and it has become an invaluable tool to me. The idea is simple. You sit with a pen and write the first thing that comes into your head, it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t make sense just spew it all out. I find that after a few lines I suddenly realise what I am stressed about and the issues become much clearer. I write words ontop of each other so that I can’t re-read what I’ve written. I simply acknowledge, recognise and then let go of it.


Today, before I knew it there were four illegiable pages in front of me. WhenI felt like stopping I breathed and replayed my Headspace meditation. I stood up and realised with some surprise that my pain had simply vanished. Within the space of 30minutes, which is about the same amount of time it takes for an oral painkiller to have effect I had effectively ‘cured’ myself with nothing more than a pen and my own breath.


If I can do it today, even for a moment. I can do it again. I know I can and I know that other people can too. I hope that I can find a way to remember this day always, not just the story of it but the way it has made me feel. Full of Hope and positivity. The power is within you. You had the power all along. One Love.

no princess

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Everyday I read through these affirmation statements. They are from SIRPA. They are stuck around our home. I am trying to soak them up, absorb them, feel them in my toes! I realised I haven’t put them on here, so now I am:

  1. The pain is emotionally induced and not due to a structural abnormality.
  2. Spinal degeneration, including slipped discs, are a normal sign of ageing and do not cause pain.
  3. I cannot have damaged my body by doing something I normally do with ease.
  4. There is no way I can damage my body while asleep in bed.
  5. Poor posture, muscle instability and poor core stability do not cause pain.
  6. If the slipped disc is causing pressure on the nerve at one level in my spine and on one side, why does the pain come and go/move around/cause pain from other nerves?
  7. If I have a real injury, why do I only have pain at night?
  8. If I have a real injury, why does the pain come and go for no apparent reason?
  9. My back is physically fine, I am just conditioned to have the pain.
  10.  I can do anything I set my mind to.
  11. I absolutely believe I can lead a normal, healthy life again.
  12. This symptom has allowed me to grow emotionally and spiritually.
  13. I know I can achieve my goals and I am getting better every day.
  14. My symptoms are a harmless condition caused by my repressed emotions.
  15. Since my back is basically normal, there is nothing to fear.
  16. My symptoms exist only to protect me from my emotions.
  17. Therefore physical activity is not dangerous and in fact is good for me.
  18. I will shift my attention from the pain to the underlying emotional issues.
  19. I intend to be in control, not my unconscious mind.
  20. I must think psychological at all times, not physical.
Believe and I will get there!

Believe and I will get there!

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Just be.

I have noticed another pattern, when big things happen like moving house or having an extra hectic day like I did yesterday, I rarely have pain, which makes no sense from a physical perspective. But the folowing day, I seem to be almost guaranteed a flare up, which makes complete sense if looked at psychologically. I know that recognising this pattern is the first step in being able to deal with it and eventually prevent it from happening all together, I just want to be.  Work on being patient and keep giving myself love, space and time to heal.

Just Be

Just Be

Whenever I see a medical professional, one of the first things they routinely ask is Where is your pain on a scale of 1-10? This has always struck me as an incredibly stupid and unhelpful question. Firstly, everyone is different so what might just be 4-pain for one person might be 8-pain for someone else. Secondly the amount of pain I have on days may actually be the same, what changes is my ability to deal with it, so perhaps yesterday. I would’ve said on-off 2-pain, today I’m up to constant 6-pain. I have done nothing physically to change, what has changed is my mental state. The further I go on the SIRPA programme the more frustrating I find it that mainstream Doctors just don’t make this connection which is starring them so clearly in the face! If an answer is not obvious in the physical SURELY the next port of call MUST be the psychological?!


Sometimes I imagine that my pain is like this little evil gremlin inside me, kinda like Golum and that would make me Frodo I guess (with less hairy feet I hope!) Like Frodo, I kind-of pity the pain-golum, fear it, feel sorry for it, want to free it and learn from it all at once. Ultimately, I hope my pain meets a firey death, just like Golum and never returns.

Never returns

Never returns

If my pain-golum could talk I wonder what it would say. Perhaps this;

pinterest quote

Sometimes on days like this, the pain-golum jumps up infront of my face. It doesn’t just make me hurt, it make me see things and think things, so dark and horrible and vile that I don’t want to write them down. But I will becuase I suspect that the pain-golum doesn’t like exposure, doesn’t want people to see it for the harmless creature it really is. Pain-Golum puts visions in my minds eye, the people I love mutilated and abused, racked by death and disease. Pain-Golum fills my head with foul language and so much anger I frighten myself ………………………………………… I know Pain-Golum is not REAL. I know he is only a symptom of the fact that my mind is tired. My mind has coped with so much that pain has become my body’s way to say ENOUGH. SYSTEM-SHUT-DOWN. BEEP BEEP BLOODY BEEP………….

Today, it is enough to say. I am still here. I am enough. I am getting better. I feel Love. One Love.

Still here


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The Energetic Psoas & Formless Qi Gong

Yesterday was an incredible milestone for me. After months being house-bound in agony, I independently made my way across London, on public transport, to attend a class exploring the Muscle of The Soul with Liz Koch and Nadia Smith de Nekludoff. It was an intense and incredible experience, which so surpassed all my expectations that I hardly know where to begin, perhaps at the start.

I first heard about Liz Koch’s work through a yoga-teaching friend, reading her book on the psoas muscle gave me the courage to explore further that which I had long suspected;- the fact that classical western medicine does not provide all the answers to health and that in order to move forward I needed to change my whole perspective. Liz Kochs words sowed the idea in my head that I needed to start looking in for my own healing rather than out. Only once I’ve looked inside, could I extend to looking outside. Unravelling the psoas on land, was my eureka moment and I am convinced that if I had not come across Liz Koch, I would not have been so open to TMS/Stress illness and might not be on the SIRPA programme and recovering as well as I now am. The only downside to Liz Koch for me, is that she’s based in the USA. BUMMER! bit far…. when I’ve been struggling with 5min walks! When I heard she was coming to Europe, I knew I had to try to get to one of her classes. I was a little unsure about this one as I’d never even heard of Qi Gong, didn’t know how to pronounce it (I have now learnt it’s Chi), but it was the closest class to me and just about within my budget, so I went for it!

Liz Koch unravelling the psoas on land

Liz Koch unravelling the psoas on land

I was nervous about being well enough for the class and unsure exactly what I’d have to do, would it be like yoga, pilates, dance? It was unlike any of those and like them all at once. It was freer, wilder and essentially more empowering.  I have realised that when you are taught something by someone like Liz Koch, with such obvious passion, knowledge and experience, it is a truly profound event. Something I have rarely had the privilege to bear witness to, the last time I felt anything similar was when I was taught at University by Griselda Pollock – another incredible woman.

Griselda Pollock

Griselda Pollock

Liz managed to make the class of 9 feel connected as a group but also allowed for very individual experiences to unfold, a beautiful skill and something I have seen countless teachers flounder with. It was amazing to hear how many of the other attendees where recovering from one injury or another, how many people were on journeys not dissimilar to mine. I felt no need to whisper to the teacher before the class ‘I might not be able to do this…’ I was allowed to simply be. I am coming to realise that being is something we rarely do and yet is so essential to our wellbeing. Just to be was amazing.



We are not beings having an energetic experience, we are energy having a being experience

There is no right or wrong way, go with it

Liz Koch

The other aspect of the class was the Qi Gong. This started as an unexpected and incredible added benefit for me. It became a fascinating lesson which fed into all I am learning about the Psoas and about the Chakra system too. I was overwhelmed by the emotion I found at developing awareness of my energy (qi) flow and re-connecting with the liquid flow of my body. As a total qi gong virgin I can’t make comparisons but from what I understand this was a ‘formless’ type of Qi Gong, waking up our self-healing potential through our bodies own energy force. Nadia was amazingly intuitive, subtle and kind, noticing when I was too overwhelmed and discreetly allowing me some respite.


It is not going too far to say that this was a class that I will remember all my life. I feel certain that it is only the beginning of my path to understanding more about my body and the start of a life-long love-affair with my Psoas! Thank you Liz and Nadia for your wonderful work and showing me the light! I hope our paths cross again. One Love.

Party with my Psoas!


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